Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no