Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.