People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The French word for sex is croissant.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
He a real one for that
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!