going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.