When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”