computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here