enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Guys, I found it.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol