Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Florida be like…
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )