My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
They got a point!
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.