I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.