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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”