everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.