“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I like crazy people until they notice me
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?