As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
We have a winner.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?