My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Oh no
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done