When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Every BBC series about the universe.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Huge”.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.