How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
You Might Also Like
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN