Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Mornin
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.