WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.