Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
You Might Also Like
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.