Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.