Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
TRAIN’S HERE
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”