girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit