[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.