People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Dishonest mechanic?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me trying to “trust the process”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”