Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.