scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
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Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.