If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
You Might Also Like
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.