I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”