I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Terribly Tuesday.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”