My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.