i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.