23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
People buying plungers never look happy.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Ah..makes sense now
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.