Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”