me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!