[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”