Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
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Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Oh hi lol
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.