Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.