Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[montage of me giving-up]
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.