OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
LOOOOOOL
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME