wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
mood
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO