the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
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20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭