Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun