WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send