Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
6: are snakes just neck?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie