If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Social Media and Real life
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.