“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
We’re all getting idioter.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Covid like
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I