[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Thoughts
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”