Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
You Might Also Like
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.