[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)